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Perfectly Imperfect: I really cannot wait til I have kids.

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I feel somewhat loved lol….

C.M.O. - (Read My Story!]

It is now 2:30 in the morning and I am still fighting off my emotions from this shitty situation i’m still dealing with. I’m so emotional right now… I decided to write a short story to explain how torn I feel. I want to lay down and let all my worries fall asleep because with school and a job.. I can’t worry myself like this. I need to blog .. let me blog…

BTW: This Is Based on a True Story, Helloooo! It Literally happened yesterday ! >:\ !

September 19, 2009 - October 6, 2011 .

This date indicates the love that is now dead between two humans by the name of Chidi and Kamille :(
             There was three break ups between these years. The first one happened close to fall and then the second one happened around spring and now the final break up was last night. 

HER THOUGHTS:

I awake from my vivid dream in mid-afternoon. It was about you. While still in bed, I begin to lay and reminise on all the sexual things we discussed a few months back. My eyes wonder across the ceiling and I finally sit up to search out where my phone is located. I then gently make my way to the computer desk picking up my phone. “Distance is so little when someone means so much,” I can see the image of that quote in my head from where I browsed love quotes last night. I immedently find your contact titled ‘C.M.O.[MyBabe]’ My heart smiles and so do I. I begin texting and the text reads “Good Morning:),” I then wait for my phone to send it. As I lay back in bed, I can’t help but to TOUCH [not finger!] myself thinking about you. You were the only guy who respected and knew about my virginity. You never forced me to do anything or talk about anything. You were gentle and I always admired that about you.

                        - This is Starting At The Second Break Up -
                                          [leading into 3rd]

              Knowing you for two years almost 3, Recieving a “How’s it going” text message always gave me mixed emotions. I wasn’t sure how you felt and you would always take so long on telling me what was wrong. I look down at my phone, thinking to myself ” I can’t take this anymore, I have to tell him,” I beging texting him how I felt, telling him how I never stopped loving him and how I would always care for him and if he was with me right now, I would want us to make love.. blazay blazay. I wait… and wait to get a text back hoping it says the same thing. “Kamille, I do not feel the same way about you anymore, Ive moved on. I’m in a relationship” I re - read the text hoping there was a mistake somewhere…hoping that’s not what he wanted to say.. hoping it was a dream and I would be waking up very soon. But this was real, this was reality. There was no more good times with us. From here on is now pain, tears, and the truth. 

            I helplessly walk back to my room in silence,shaking. Tear after tear after tear, falling down my face. Constantly sniffing, wiping, sniffing, wiping, thinking, re-reading, crying more, and shaking. Emotions getting the best of me, I slam and lock my door, I begin breathing hard and thrusting, crying harder and harder, undressing myself piece by piece until i’m left with my bare skin. Its cold in my room, I get on to my bed with no clothes on wrapping myself in my covers. Why would he do this to me? I think to myself. He told me he wanted to marry me and that he had never felt this much love for a female before. Those words made me feel so comfortable to the point where I let my gaurd down again and look where i’m at today :( With no one, I thought he was my one. I thought he was my baby, my future husband. I wanted us to be a family, I wanted to have our babies…his babies :( Now look where i’m at! We are both screaming at each other, he’s calling me physco i’m telling him to go suck a ___! Wow! Words I never even imagined myself saying. It hurt :( I wanted to say hurtful things to him. I wanted to hurt him so bad like he hurt me. I wanted revenge. I wanted to see him suffer and cry. All the times he hung up on me.. all the times I cussed him out. He’s yelling at me through the phone now… i’m screaming at him telling him to stop. I never pictured us here especially after years of getting to know each other. We went falling in love to disrespecting each other in ways I never imagined happening. From I love you’s to I hate you. From tears of missing one another to tears of being hurt. Wow, have things changed!? To see him move on and say he didn’t feel the same crushed me so hard to the point where I wanted to die. Why bother getting up again when youve been crushed this bad? Why do I love him? Why Kamille? He doesn’t love you anymore, get that through your head. And you still continue to think about him dont you? You want to continue to care for him Kamille. Stop! No more. You can’t Kamille! No more abuse. This is enough, if he doesn’t care. Leave him alone.

Simple Concept. Much Harder to do.:( …….

I can’t get up :( .. God, help me to be strong and get up after all this pain and tears. Dear God, help me… IN JESUS NAME… AMEN.